Thank you Marie! I have to leave a comment-For My Own Good! I remember the countless times I went to rehab-Always feeling Hope while I stayed in the total protection of the facility i was in. I would come alive again there-Threw myself into the lectures and homework..Waiting on “Visiting Days for my dad to come. I would show Him Everything We Were Doing-So proud that I had come up for air-Once Again. At “the Graduation “ I would hold that piece of paper saying I “Completed Everything I was supposed to, so tightly-Like it was worth a Million Dollars! Actually, It was Worth That to Me…I Started Breathing and Was Alive Again! After Being “A Dead Woman Walking “ for What Seemed Like Years Ago. I Would Stay Sober-6 Months; A Year..Three Years; 5 Years …One Time a 10 Year Stretch-All of Them Ending in Relapse. I Don’t Know How I Still Stood Up To Try Again-Over and Over. I Remember One Particular Night…I Couldn’t Sleep. I Watched the Night Turn Into Day Through The Window of My Tiny Apartment -It Was 5:30am and I Drove To The Grocery Store to Get My Boones Farm Strawberry Wine. Then Barely Making It Back Home To Slug It Down. I Could Finally Sleep Peacefully for A Few Hours…Then Craved It Again After I Woke Up. An Endless Nightmare That Never Stops. At the End, I Couldn’t Make It To Work Again And They Didn’t Want Me Back. My Friend, Who Lived in Florida Told Me To Come And Stay With Him..So A Truck Driver Drove Me There Over Three Days Time. It Jack-Knived for 8 Hours In The Snow…I Just Layed In The Back. Moving to Florida Brought Me New Beginnings-I Felt Like I Was “Dorothy” Dropped Into Kansas! I Had No Idea Where I Was Or Where The Liquor Stores Were-So That Was A Good Thing. I Remember The First Time I Started Feeling Alive Again-We Were Sitting By The Ocean and The Seagulls Were Swooping Down, Begging For Stale Bread and I Was Feeding The Birds. All of A Sudden, The “Aliveness Came-One More Time And I Was So Grateful! (Don’t Get Me Wrong…I Missed Alcohol! I Would Cry When I Saw Beer Trucks-I Would Actually Salivate!) But It Gradually Was Replaced With My Sobriety Days-And Thats How It Went (Why Did God Allow Me So Many Chances ?) I Don’t Know. So Now I Live in the Moments-Day by Day. I Don’t Live in The Past-It’s Over And I Won’t See That Day Anymore. Living in the Future? No. I Am So Limited With What I Know That I Can’t Pretend To Even Make Up Whats Ahead. We Aren’t Meant To Know-Staying in the Day? That Sounds Perfect. To Be Grateful..To Feel Alive And Contentment-To Help Others..Thats What I Am Meant To Do Right Now…
This is wonderful. I've witnessed in others the devastation of relapse's cultural implications. It only adds another layer of distraction to the matter at hand. In my own recovery tradition, coins are offered on anniversaries - days, months, years of recovery - completely losing sight of the truth that it occurs only in the moments. Beautiful words, Marie.
Thank you Marie! I have to leave a comment-For My Own Good! I remember the countless times I went to rehab-Always feeling Hope while I stayed in the total protection of the facility i was in. I would come alive again there-Threw myself into the lectures and homework..Waiting on “Visiting Days for my dad to come. I would show Him Everything We Were Doing-So proud that I had come up for air-Once Again. At “the Graduation “ I would hold that piece of paper saying I “Completed Everything I was supposed to, so tightly-Like it was worth a Million Dollars! Actually, It was Worth That to Me…I Started Breathing and Was Alive Again! After Being “A Dead Woman Walking “ for What Seemed Like Years Ago. I Would Stay Sober-6 Months; A Year..Three Years; 5 Years …One Time a 10 Year Stretch-All of Them Ending in Relapse. I Don’t Know How I Still Stood Up To Try Again-Over and Over. I Remember One Particular Night…I Couldn’t Sleep. I Watched the Night Turn Into Day Through The Window of My Tiny Apartment -It Was 5:30am and I Drove To The Grocery Store to Get My Boones Farm Strawberry Wine. Then Barely Making It Back Home To Slug It Down. I Could Finally Sleep Peacefully for A Few Hours…Then Craved It Again After I Woke Up. An Endless Nightmare That Never Stops. At the End, I Couldn’t Make It To Work Again And They Didn’t Want Me Back. My Friend, Who Lived in Florida Told Me To Come And Stay With Him..So A Truck Driver Drove Me There Over Three Days Time. It Jack-Knived for 8 Hours In The Snow…I Just Layed In The Back. Moving to Florida Brought Me New Beginnings-I Felt Like I Was “Dorothy” Dropped Into Kansas! I Had No Idea Where I Was Or Where The Liquor Stores Were-So That Was A Good Thing. I Remember The First Time I Started Feeling Alive Again-We Were Sitting By The Ocean and The Seagulls Were Swooping Down, Begging For Stale Bread and I Was Feeding The Birds. All of A Sudden, The “Aliveness Came-One More Time And I Was So Grateful! (Don’t Get Me Wrong…I Missed Alcohol! I Would Cry When I Saw Beer Trucks-I Would Actually Salivate!) But It Gradually Was Replaced With My Sobriety Days-And Thats How It Went (Why Did God Allow Me So Many Chances ?) I Don’t Know. So Now I Live in the Moments-Day by Day. I Don’t Live in The Past-It’s Over And I Won’t See That Day Anymore. Living in the Future? No. I Am So Limited With What I Know That I Can’t Pretend To Even Make Up Whats Ahead. We Aren’t Meant To Know-Staying in the Day? That Sounds Perfect. To Be Grateful..To Feel Alive And Contentment-To Help Others..Thats What I Am Meant To Do Right Now…
Sandra thanks for that wonderful share- that’s what it’s really all about stories of hope.
This makes me think of this...
The Lost Labyrinth or Path-ology Reclaimed
Ancient and new,
Found and lost,
Once clear paths overgrew.
A forest of grass,
Where once was none,
Obscuring ways to pass.
Feel the forest,
Blaze paths through,
Blades of grass - cut anew.
Cosmos emerges,
Maze regained,
Where once chaos reigned.
Once again thoughts asunder,
Though wandering lost,
Are found in light and thunder.
Thank you - the way is often winding, but this does not mean it's a twisted path-ology.
I enjoyed that- thank you. 🙏
So much truth here--
Beautifully crafted and so true.
With ebbs and flows.
This is wonderful. I've witnessed in others the devastation of relapse's cultural implications. It only adds another layer of distraction to the matter at hand. In my own recovery tradition, coins are offered on anniversaries - days, months, years of recovery - completely losing sight of the truth that it occurs only in the moments. Beautiful words, Marie.
🙏 thank you!
Beautiful 🩵